A dream

April 18th marks a year since I last saw Troy alive. I saw him take his last breath. It still doesn't feel like its real. I often wonder what could have been, especially here lately. In the evenings when I'm cooking dinner for Jack and I, I wonder what it would be like to cook for four. Would his son love that he gets to come home after school instead of going to after school care? Would Troy love that when he comes home from work all of the homework would be done and he would get to spend time with his son not doing homework or rushing their evening. I know that is all fairytale, but to me, being with Troy was very much a fairytale. We often commented that it was too perfect and had talked that we were just waiting for something to happen. I didn't know that thing that happened would leave one of us behind.

It was a year on April 23 that we laid Troy to rest. Everything seems so fuzzy about that day. I think I was numb and oblivious. I was laughing and talking with everything, acting like it was not a big deal, meeting people, his friends, everyone that friended me on FB for the Troy updates. They all thanked me for keeping them updated. I just wanted them to pray to keep him here.

You know, I've lost a daughter, had a miscarriage, went through a divorce, but I don't remember anything being this difficult. I mourned my daughter, I still grieve for her, but four years later and I've accepted that me visiting her headstone is a part of my life. This, losing my soul mate does not mesh well with me. I feel like I am owed that happiness. But I do feel blessed. Some people never get that. I got that for six great months, but I wanted it for the rest of my life. I want him back. I want what I had, and if I can't have him I don't want anyone. I have attempted dating, but I'm just not ready. I don't enjoy it. I come home from dates feeling sad and hating the fact that its not him.

I need to do this blog more...even though I hate blogging. It's just not me, but I don't really talk about this. I talk about him, but I don't talk about how I'm doing. I stay upbeat because thats just me, but sometimes I just don't wanna be.

What a difference a year makes

This time last year Troy and our boys were going to an easter egg hunt, followed by playplace at McDonalds outside. It was so nice and warm. We had went and picked up Troy's motorcycle from the mechanic (what irony) and then went to McDonalds. We were there forever it seemed like. It was just too nice out to be inside. We had a little photography session with my phone plus for some reason I had my regular camera with me and took pics of the boys playing. It was such a great day with the boys. Who knew it would be our last weekend with our boys.

I can't believe it's almost been a year. I feel like I haven't come very far. I'm not dating. Well, I've gone out with two guys and I never talked to them again. Probably they hated that my favorite subject was Troy. I still can't believe this new life.

I've moved back to my hometown for my son to be near his dad and I want to go back to school. So here I am, working full time and the two days a week I don't have my son I am in class until 9:30 at night. I stay busy, but I miss him. I miss him a lot. It's so stupid though. We weren't really together that long. But long enough to know that it was perfect. As a friend of his said, he's not perfect but he's perfect for me.

I just miss him. I just want him back. I do believe the next couple of weeks are going to be hard. Reliving our last weekend together (and what a great one it was), to his wreck followed by his death 18 days later. It feels like it happened last month.

They say time heals....I'm not sure if its that but there are more good days. I'm happy, just lonely and missing something. It's him that I'm missing. and then I think of what life what would have been like. Us married, our two boys...together. What a perfect blended family. I can only imagine....