April 12, 2012

Two years

Has it really almost been two years since Troy died? Really? It feels like yesterday. Well, it feels like yesterday right now. Most of the time it feels like its been two years. Odd to still love someone as much as you did if not more than the day they died. It's not like we were on bad terms. We didn't have any problems. He just all of a sudden wasn't there. I still sometimes wonder what could have been. I notice my FB Timeline will let me go back to two years ago and it only shows me two posts from where he was in the hospital and they were both positive ones...both that lead me to believe he would make it out of that.

I was on vacation last week. Jack and I, my mom and my sister went on a cruise and then spent two days at the beach. I needed that. It took my mind off of the upcoming days. He wrecked on April 1st..he died on April 18th. I had a dream while we were on our cruise. I dreamed I had been out of the country for two years (funny...because I was in Mexico at the time of the dream), and I was coming back to the states and couldn't wait to see Troy. He had his wreck, but he wasn't hurt bad and only had a few scars leftover. He was running late meeting me. I was driving all over town trying to find him and get a hold of him. Several of his coworkers said they had seen him that day. For some reason I ended up at the Dollar Store parking lot where some of his coworkers were. I was calling and calling his phone and he just wouldn't pick up. I called the emergency room and for some reason told them that he was prone to accidents. Next thing I know he's pulling up in his little black civic. I ran to his car, got in, and hugged him. He didn't talk, just smiled as we were driving. It seemed so real. Damn...why couldn't it have been.

In all actuality I'm doing great. I'm very happy. I like being single right now. I only worry about my son and myself. People are starting to ask why I'm not finding anyone. I'll find someone when I'm good and ready but right now I'm just enjoying me and doing whatever I want to do. Others think I'm dwelling on Troy. I don't think I am. I have never really been single. Always in a relationship, then married, then divorced and went right to dating and met Troy. Single life isn't so bad really. I recently bought new furniture. I didn't have to worry about consulting with someone on whether they like it or not.

I have gone out with a few guys, and I have a really good guy friend and I think wants more than that, but I'm perfectly happy with a friend right now. One of my good friends asks me what is going on with so-and-so guy...one being a nurse. Great job, has a little girl, but he doesn't make time to date. I don't want to be involved with someone who I only see once every two months. I don't want to get attached. I think a lot of people are under the impression that great job = great guy. Thats not always the case. I'm a little snobbish in that I will not date a man who doesn't have a job or works at a fast food restaurant. Kinda bitch-like, I know...but I just can't. My friend has a good job where he is the manager of a local business here...however, I can't get it past my head that he really just runs the register. Thats really low of me, and I need to get out of that frame of mind. He has his own house, has a daughter who he takes care of...obviously he is doing just fine. My friend told me I should give the nurse another shot. I'm not sure how many more shots I can give a person who wants to make plans and then says he has his daughter. I'm all for keeping your children, I have Jack 90% of the time, but if I'm dating I make time for that as well. See...there I go. Snob-mode.

Oh well, I'm happy. Just a lot on my mind this time of year. Like with Kate I tend to re-live those first and last few weeks I had with her and Troy. I know basically what I was doing this time two years ago. I was working, Jack was on spring break visiting family in my home town. I was going to see Troy when I finished working. He was being stable. Damn.....what a two years its been. I've grown, I've learned how to make myself happy. It doesn't make me miss him any less, it's just harder to deal with around this time.

April 27, 2011

A dream

April 18th marks a year since I last saw Troy alive. I saw him take his last breath. It still doesn't feel like its real. I often wonder what could have been, especially here lately. In the evenings when I'm cooking dinner for Jack and I, I wonder what it would be like to cook for four. Would his son love that he gets to come home after school instead of going to after school care? Would Troy love that when he comes home from work all of the homework would be done and he would get to spend time with his son not doing homework or rushing their evening. I know that is all fairytale, but to me, being with Troy was very much a fairytale. We often commented that it was too perfect and had talked that we were just waiting for something to happen. I didn't know that thing that happened would leave one of us behind.

It was a year on April 23 that we laid Troy to rest. Everything seems so fuzzy about that day. I think I was numb and oblivious. I was laughing and talking with everything, acting like it was not a big deal, meeting people, his friends, everyone that friended me on FB for the Troy updates. They all thanked me for keeping them updated. I just wanted them to pray to keep him here.

You know, I've lost a daughter, had a miscarriage, went through a divorce, but I don't remember anything being this difficult. I mourned my daughter, I still grieve for her, but four years later and I've accepted that me visiting her headstone is a part of my life. This, losing my soul mate does not mesh well with me. I feel like I am owed that happiness. But I do feel blessed. Some people never get that. I got that for six great months, but I wanted it for the rest of my life. I want him back. I want what I had, and if I can't have him I don't want anyone. I have attempted dating, but I'm just not ready. I don't enjoy it. I come home from dates feeling sad and hating the fact that its not him.

I need to do this blog more...even though I hate blogging. It's just not me, but I don't really talk about this. I talk about him, but I don't talk about how I'm doing. I stay upbeat because thats just me, but sometimes I just don't wanna be.

March 19, 2011

What a difference a year makes

This time last year Troy and our boys were going to an easter egg hunt, followed by playplace at McDonalds outside. It was so nice and warm. We had went and picked up Troy's motorcycle from the mechanic (what irony) and then went to McDonalds. We were there forever it seemed like. It was just too nice out to be inside. We had a little photography session with my phone plus for some reason I had my regular camera with me and took pics of the boys playing. It was such a great day with the boys. Who knew it would be our last weekend with our boys.

I can't believe it's almost been a year. I feel like I haven't come very far. I'm not dating. Well, I've gone out with two guys and I never talked to them again. Probably they hated that my favorite subject was Troy. I still can't believe this new life.

I've moved back to my hometown for my son to be near his dad and I want to go back to school. So here I am, working full time and the two days a week I don't have my son I am in class until 9:30 at night. I stay busy, but I miss him. I miss him a lot. It's so stupid though. We weren't really together that long. But long enough to know that it was perfect. As a friend of his said, he's not perfect but he's perfect for me.

I just miss him. I just want him back. I do believe the next couple of weeks are going to be hard. Reliving our last weekend together (and what a great one it was), to his wreck followed by his death 18 days later. It feels like it happened last month.

They say time heals....I'm not sure if its that but there are more good days. I'm happy, just lonely and missing something. It's him that I'm missing. and then I think of what life what would have been like. Us married, our two boys...together. What a perfect blended family. I can only imagine....

December 14, 2010

Monster Truck Show, February 2010

We took our boys to a monster truck show in February 2010 in Lexington, KY. Beside Jack, is Troy's son. I don't want to put up pictures of his son because I don't have permission to do that. Anyway, this is my biggo kid, Jack. Beside him (you can see his feet), is Troy's son and then of course Troy. He has earplugs in and during about the middle of the show he jammed in one in his ear so bad that he used his keys to get them out, to which he looked like a true redneck. Like he could get anymore redneck than being at a monster truck show. We had a great time though!! We bought the boys those checkered flags. Jack still has his.

Funny thing, after this we went to Waffle House to eat. Our boys, who already said they were brothers, sat together. Without talking beforehand, our boys were dressed in polar opposties. His son's shirt was black with white long sleeves. Anyway, before our food came his son looked at me with a very serious face, all four of us stopped talking and he said, "will you be my stepmom?" Troy said that was my proposal. I, of course, said yes. Cutest thing evah!!

Troy and I, New Years Eve 2009

Could it get any more perfect than this?

December 12, 2010

The end

I have tried to remember but I just can't the week leading up to his death. Everything is meshing into one...him coding, his surgeries. I know he had 5 total (I think). He opened his eyes but he was never really responsive. He would turn his head toward you if you talked loud enough and pushed on him a little. He was sick....very, very sick.

This is going to be Friday and Saturday...his last two days that he was alive.

Friday, April 16th, 2010.

I worked this day like always because he was having a stable day. Not a bad day, but not a great day, but he was stable. Jack's dad was coming down to see him for the day and night. He was going to leave the next morning on the 17th. Brett got there and I went to the hospital around 6 that evening. The plan was for me to go there until 8 or so and then my friends were taking me somewhere. I just needed a little break. I was tired..I think I was anyway. I don't really remember. At about 8 I went and sat in Troys room with my Kindle. It was dimly lit in his room, the TV was on but no sound. I was reading. He was...well he was resting. Then I saw his heart rate go from 90, which was about his average, t0 126 very fast. I called the nurses in and called his mom. The nurse, who had never been on his case, came in and was just kind of baffled. She checked his feeding tube, and went to flush the line. I saw dark red, what I thought was blood and possibly bile on her hands when she backed away. That wasn't good. It also had a strange odor about it. She called in a doctor.

Let me back up. Saturday, April 17th, was Thunder Over Louisville so a lot of the docs were residents, a lot of the nurses were PRN nurses who didn't really know his case.

They ran some tests and told us he possibly could have had a heart attack, but there was no way of knowing. I really don't know that, but I'm not a doctor. That resident could not give us any answers other than his EKG showed signs of a heart attack, but his heart is now okay (even though his rate was in the 110s now). It was slowly coming down.

I called and cancelled with my friends, and the amazing people they are they showed up with chips and salsa. About midnight I felt it was safe to leave. I left with my friends and went to a bar. A freaking bar. The song Superman came on as we were leaving at 3 a.m. I was feeling the alcohol, mostly because I hadn't been eating much. I had to stay at my sisters because my ex-husband was staying at my house with our son until the next morning. My sister was out of town so I went to her place and crawled in bed. Troys mom called me at 6 a.m. and said he had a bad night. To be honest, I think I was still buzzing. That completely woke me up. I took a quick shower, dressed in a pair of dark jeans, and a seafoam green cableknight sweater with white Nike shox. I had my pearls in my ears and a white March of Dimes t-shirt under the sweater. Why do I remember that? I do remember I didn't wash my hair and I pulled it up. I did swipe on some mascara and some concealer.

I get to the hospital and I go in his room. He's okay for now, but he's just...I don't know something was different. He became a little more stable as in vital signs. Late afternoon a family friend brought in a crockpot of beef stew and some drinks. It tasted so good. I remember that ICU waiting room was so full. There was bad news all day the day before for family in there. A few familys we had grown close to.

I watched from Troys room as people were walking downtown getting ready for Thunder. It's an all day event. Troy, myself and our boys were supposed to be there. He even wrote it on his calendar. Later that evening people were coming into the waiting room, people we think weren't from our floor but trying to get a good view of the fireworks. The waiting room was the best view you could get. They moved us to a little room beside the waiting room with no windows, one table, a phone and thats about it. We didn't really like it.

His mom and I were outside the waiting room talking about what may happen when the doctor came out and told us Troy was septic, however they expected it. He had been septic before, but dialysis helped and he was on dialysis the night before but the line clotted off. They were supposed to restart dialysis that night, but a dialysis nurse has to start it, however, the line was clotted off, not his blood but the lines from the machine had clotted. What he needed was a new line started in the neck, but he was still bleeding and not clotting. It just wasn't safe enough to start a line there. however, at this point the safest thing to do was start a new line and start dialysis again in the morning.

They did that, got it started and he was still okay. When they did that they ran more labs. At around 7:30 his mom and I were in his room. I remember her and I just had a laugh about her putting the gloves on backwards. We were, at that point, slap happy and thought he would still be okay. He had to. He had been alive for 17 days so far. This man shouldn't have made it to the hospital and he had made it 17 days. He, at this point, had recieved over 300 blood products.

The doctor came and took us out of his room. She told us his liver had completely failed. The transplant team had been in earlier and said he wouldn't survive a transplant. He also eventually would need a kidney transplant. However, dialysis helps kidneys. nothing helps the liver. His liver was so mangled, still slightly bleeding and he had less than half of it. she called the transplant team again. they said no. We had less than 24 hours.

We made phone calls, we cried, we hugged, we sat by his bedside waiting. How do you WAIT for someone to die? Then what...go home? But we did. we sat and waited. His mom never left his side. He was, at that point, completely unresponsive. His eyes were fixed and dilated. He was actually already gone, but the meds were keeping him alive. His mom, stepdad and I agreed, don't remove anything but don't give him anything else. We were still on the fence about resuscitating him. His liver levels had gone so high that he was essentially gone. he had no head trauma...you don't expect that. you don't expect someone to be "gone" when there is no head trauma.

His friends came in, they sat in the waiting room and then the fireworks started. I was in his room every 20 minutes for 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Other family had to go in and see him. The firework noises...ugh, I just couldn't look. The one time I did look a firework burst into a heart. I felt people staring at me. I couldn't look at anyone.

Some friends left. They didn't want to be there. That is totally understandable. But I couldn't leave. Around midnight I walked back into the ICU and his nurse sat with me while his mom was in his room. She was sleeping with her head against his bedrail holding his hand. The nurse told me that it wouldn't be much longer. His bottom number on his blood pressure was staying around 38. His heart rate was great, but when his BP number goes below 15, his heart would go next. He also hadn't been recieving enough oxygen. His oxygen saturation was anywhere between 48% to 98%. We thought we had 24 hours. We thought it would be the next day. We also thought, no hoped, that he would make it. He had surprised us before.

I walk in his room, sat on the other side of his bed and waited. When I saw his bottom number of his BP down to 20 I woke his mom and said it was almost time. We held his hands, we talked to him, I kissed him. At this point we were in gloves and a gown...I took mine off. I needed to touch his skin, kiss his cheek, kiss his hands. He was getting ready to code. The doctors and nurses walked in with a crash cart. His mom, stepdad and I didn't know what to do. She looked at me, I looked at her and we just kept holding his hand. The room was full. His aunts, uncles, half brother, dad, cousins and a few friends were right at the door.

It was the most miraculous thing I had ever seen. He was a Christian. I watched a man leave this world and see Jesus. I put my hand on my chest and I felt his heart stop beating, I saw him continue breathing after they turned off the vent and then I felt his chest go still. On April 18, Troy died while I held his hand. I told him to take care of my daughter and that I will see him soon.

I miss him so much. I love him...I will always love him. I think of him every single day. but how lucky I am that he picked me to be with him the rest of his life.

I'm sure I have left out some stuff, I just can't remember everything. I will...in time.

November 12, 2010