April 18th marks a year since I last saw Troy alive. I saw him take his last breath. It still doesn't feel like its real. I often wonder what could have been, especially here lately. In the evenings when I'm cooking dinner for Jack and I, I wonder what it would be like to cook for four. Would his son love that he gets to come home after school instead of going to after school care? Would Troy love that when he comes home from work all of the homework would be done and he would get to spend time with his son not doing homework or rushing their evening. I know that is all fairytale, but to me, being with Troy was very much a fairytale. We often commented that it was too perfect and had talked that we were just waiting for something to happen. I didn't know that thing that happened would leave one of us behind.
It was a year on April 23 that we laid Troy to rest. Everything seems so fuzzy about that day. I think I was numb and oblivious. I was laughing and talking with everything, acting like it was not a big deal, meeting people, his friends, everyone that friended me on FB for the Troy updates. They all thanked me for keeping them updated. I just wanted them to pray to keep him here.
You know, I've lost a daughter, had a miscarriage, went through a divorce, but I don't remember anything being this difficult. I mourned my daughter, I still grieve for her, but four years later and I've accepted that me visiting her headstone is a part of my life. This, losing my soul mate does not mesh well with me. I feel like I am owed that happiness. But I do feel blessed. Some people never get that. I got that for six great months, but I wanted it for the rest of my life. I want him back. I want what I had, and if I can't have him I don't want anyone. I have attempted dating, but I'm just not ready. I don't enjoy it. I come home from dates feeling sad and hating the fact that its not him.
I need to do this blog more...even though I hate blogging. It's just not me, but I don't really talk about this. I talk about him, but I don't talk about how I'm doing. I stay upbeat because thats just me, but sometimes I just don't wanna be.