April 12, 2012

Two years

Has it really almost been two years since Troy died? Really? It feels like yesterday. Well, it feels like yesterday right now. Most of the time it feels like its been two years. Odd to still love someone as much as you did if not more than the day they died. It's not like we were on bad terms. We didn't have any problems. He just all of a sudden wasn't there. I still sometimes wonder what could have been. I notice my FB Timeline will let me go back to two years ago and it only shows me two posts from where he was in the hospital and they were both positive ones...both that lead me to believe he would make it out of that.

I was on vacation last week. Jack and I, my mom and my sister went on a cruise and then spent two days at the beach. I needed that. It took my mind off of the upcoming days. He wrecked on April 1st..he died on April 18th. I had a dream while we were on our cruise. I dreamed I had been out of the country for two years (funny...because I was in Mexico at the time of the dream), and I was coming back to the states and couldn't wait to see Troy. He had his wreck, but he wasn't hurt bad and only had a few scars leftover. He was running late meeting me. I was driving all over town trying to find him and get a hold of him. Several of his coworkers said they had seen him that day. For some reason I ended up at the Dollar Store parking lot where some of his coworkers were. I was calling and calling his phone and he just wouldn't pick up. I called the emergency room and for some reason told them that he was prone to accidents. Next thing I know he's pulling up in his little black civic. I ran to his car, got in, and hugged him. He didn't talk, just smiled as we were driving. It seemed so real. Damn...why couldn't it have been.

In all actuality I'm doing great. I'm very happy. I like being single right now. I only worry about my son and myself. People are starting to ask why I'm not finding anyone. I'll find someone when I'm good and ready but right now I'm just enjoying me and doing whatever I want to do. Others think I'm dwelling on Troy. I don't think I am. I have never really been single. Always in a relationship, then married, then divorced and went right to dating and met Troy. Single life isn't so bad really. I recently bought new furniture. I didn't have to worry about consulting with someone on whether they like it or not.

I have gone out with a few guys, and I have a really good guy friend and I think wants more than that, but I'm perfectly happy with a friend right now. One of my good friends asks me what is going on with so-and-so guy...one being a nurse. Great job, has a little girl, but he doesn't make time to date. I don't want to be involved with someone who I only see once every two months. I don't want to get attached. I think a lot of people are under the impression that great job = great guy. Thats not always the case. I'm a little snobbish in that I will not date a man who doesn't have a job or works at a fast food restaurant. Kinda bitch-like, I know...but I just can't. My friend has a good job where he is the manager of a local business here...however, I can't get it past my head that he really just runs the register. Thats really low of me, and I need to get out of that frame of mind. He has his own house, has a daughter who he takes care of...obviously he is doing just fine. My friend told me I should give the nurse another shot. I'm not sure how many more shots I can give a person who wants to make plans and then says he has his daughter. I'm all for keeping your children, I have Jack 90% of the time, but if I'm dating I make time for that as well. See...there I go. Snob-mode.

Oh well, I'm happy. Just a lot on my mind this time of year. Like with Kate I tend to re-live those first and last few weeks I had with her and Troy. I know basically what I was doing this time two years ago. I was working, Jack was on spring break visiting family in my home town. I was going to see Troy when I finished working. He was being stable. Damn.....what a two years its been. I've grown, I've learned how to make myself happy. It doesn't make me miss him any less, it's just harder to deal with around this time.


  1. I hadn't paid close attention to the dates... this must be why you were on my mind so much yesterday I just fell asleep before I could email ya.

    Thinkin about you often and missin you so much!


  2. Yeah, sometimes I forget all about it and wonder why I haven't called him or heard from him. Weird, stuff, but to be fair, about ten years ago we lost him for months/years a time, and to a far worse fate than going to heaven, :)